At 6:00pm on Saturday, the 31st of October 2009, the first episode of K-9, apparently titled "Regeneration", aired.

What utter rubbish.

For those of you who didn't see it (I assume that's most of you) it concerned the exploits of Starkey (a young cyber-terrorist and dead ringer for Bradley James) and Jorjie (a different cyber-terrorist and kind of a cross between Sophie Aldred and Emma Watson) as they are nearly prosecuted for cyber-terrorism in distopian future Australia London by what appear to be policeman. I say "appear to be" because the things are like massive cardboard robot torsos with weedy human arms sticking out; 'mockney' London accents eminating from a red light on their Master Chief helmets.

They run through a very low-budget set the back alleys of stereotypical London and find what appears to be an old disused police station, complete with late 19th century "police" lamp on the outside. On the inside, however, is what you'd expect from an old mansion (or 1930s nightclub), home to one Professor Gryffen. The professor, who isn't mad at all, seems to be restricted to staying indoors and is trying to make a time machine in order to bring back his dead(?) family.

Of course, everything fails thanks to young Starkey (Stark Reality to his friends), who trips over the plug and stops everything. Except it doesn't. Careering out of the ether and into the atrium come four strange reptiles... okay, I'll say it, they look like freakish parody of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles. This spells doom for our young heroes; especially poor Starkey, who is repeatedly - um, salivated on by them. Right.

But these evil ectotherms are not the only thing to come from the Professor's dumb machine - it's our favourite robot dog, K-9! Spinning around and shooting wildly, K-9 repeatedly tells the humans to get out because he's going to self-detonate. Those silly humans, they never listen! So he explodes. CUT TO BLACK.

(Australian and American TV broadcasts would insert an advert break here, but UK viewers just get a disconcerting cut mid-scene.)

Oh no, K-9's just rubble now. (If he'd stay that way, it would save him appearing in this claptrap.) But wait, Starkey finds a really hot steaming thingy where the dog used to be! No no no, a piece of machinery; it's hot because it exploded. He picks the plot device up and carries it around for some reason.

In walks Darius (does everyone have really unusual names in the future, or is it just the Mary-Sues?), whose Australian/Cockney accent jars completely with the attempts at recieved pronunciation by the rest of the cast. Darius' character trait is that he doesn't like Starkey. (He also apparently likes renovating old London black cabs.)

Just then, Starkey's plot device turns into K-9. But this isn't the K-9 we know and love, for several key reasons:
he looks like a McDonald's toy.
he is sassy.
he doesn't remember anything.
he can fly.
K-9 flies away over rather poor exterior shots of London. (One of the few things not shot on a set! Seriously, all of the doors look paper thin.)

The cockney robot policemen walk in and arrest Starkey. (If you've seen the international, non-UK broadcasts of Danger Mouse, in which Stiletto is no longer an Italian but a Londoner, you have a good idea of what their voices are like.) Massive plot twist: one of the Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles didn't blow up. Whoooooah.

Starkey has been taken to a detention centre, where he'll be kept for six months. Somehow, Jorjie hacks into the simulation that is his prison cell (I wasn't really paying attention by this point) and tells him about some mysterious organisation (I think it was called The Organisation) that kidnaps aliens and then experiments on them. She knows all this because she's a badass cyber-terrorist, but then she gets a call on her mobile from her mom, who asks if she's at her ballet lesson and wearing her pink tutu. Embarrassing.

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Back at Professor Gryffen's laboratory, the man himself is poking around K-9's brain like it's a stylophone, triggering the first three notes of the Doctor Who theme to play at one point (ooo-eee-ooooh!) but generally figuring out what makes him go. (From the looks of him, a pullback motor that lets him glide across smooth surfaces.)

Meanwhile, in prison, the remaining Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle bursts into Starkey's cell and slobbers over him again. Starkey pushes past the beast-blurred-in-post-production, and another officer of the ol' bill. Making it back to the lab, he is nearly shot by K-9, who thinks he is Donatello due to all of the slobber on him. Starkey reminds K-9 of his identity by saying something like "Nice dog, heel, down boy", verbaratim of the first time he said it upon K-9's regeneration.

Both dog and fugitive have to hide when a new character enters - some frosty ice queen from The Organisation, asking why Professor Gryffen hasn't invented time travel yet. Cut him some slack. He nearly had it, earlier in the evening, if it wasn't for Starkey. She also has something to show him, which she needs a monitor for, and my innuendometer piqued when she said "or, we could do it in my car". Turns out what she has to show him is K-9's animation model, scanned by the cameras of this totalitarian society.

An apparently "humorous" exchange takes place in which she criticises K-9's design, upsetting that sassy hound and nearly forcing him to shoot her down. Professor Gryffen calms his new pet by complimenting it conversationally. (You can tell from the compliments that the writers of this episode didn't like it either.) Ice queen leaves.

Starkey and Darius talk about how accomodating the Professor is, having accepted the young hacker as his ward and a cool new robot dog into his home. Starkey is also glad that Darius didn't reveal him to the authorities; Darius says there'll be other oppurtunities, setting the two at loggerheads once again.

Jorjie appears, and K-9 proudly tells her that he nearly shot Starkey, and that he'll be hunted by the Turtles for 800 years. "You're joking," she says. "Then why is nobody laughing? Did I tell it wrong?" replies K-9, shortly before listing all of his amazing functions as we fade out painfully slowly, apparently aware that this is the punchline to the episode from which we should learn our morals. Ahem.

We are then treated to a lacklustre theme song (that still manages to be better than the clattering cacophony that is Torchwood's) and left to think about what we have just seen. So, the bad points:
K-9's character is ruined
bad accents
really poor monsters
cardboard sets
rather misdirected

Sudden reality check: remove the first two points and what have you got: vintage Doctor Who. Naw, I'm just messing with you.

Good points:
Marty Stu-arkey may be hunted down and eaten.
it was mercifully short. Doh hoh hoh hoh hoh!